Recently I was speaking to a friend and she was conveying to me how difficult it can be to get the man in your life to do something. She wanted to know if I had any suggestions along that line that might help her.
As I sat and pondered I realized that much of what is written on the male-female relationship is less about relationship and more about a transaction:
You do this and I’ll do that.
In order to receive what we want out of the relationship as women – we need to learn to step out of the idea that we should be trying to “get him” to give us what we want. This can be a really challenging concept to come to grips with.
If we would have a relationship based on love and respect – that respect has to go both ways.
We have to truly respect the man in our life.
And we show that respect not by trying to “Get him” to do what we want. As women, we seem to think that the best way to influence our partners is either by nagging, yelling or shutting down when we feel he is ignoring us.
The problem, though, is that more often than not we expect men to process and communicate in the same way that we do. They do not. Because men do not think or communicate the way we do – they also do not respond to nagging, yelling and shutting down the way you’d hope for.
Such behavior is usually a very good way to get the man in your world to totally turn off of the relationship and to totally check out.
This means that our pushiness (which can be a big expression of our Shadow) nearly guarantees certain death to the passion in your relationship and creates a communication gulf for the simple reason that men are so different in how they process feelings and emotions.
For example, a woman wants to talk about her problems whereas men tend to become introverted and like to figure out their problems on their own. For a man to talk to someone about his problems it usually means that he is asking for advice or a solution, which is why when women share their problems men tend to offer solutions. When we women are airing our grievances we usually don’t want to hear a solution, we just want to be heard, understood and held. We want someone to empathize.
We want him to feel us.
Most men and women now understand that part of things. Strangely understanding the differences in our communication styles did not solve the issue of us misfiring in our communications and feeling less than satisfied. In fact, it seems like all that knowledge did was cause women to decide that men don’t communicate well and need to fix that – and for men to decide that women are whiny and annoying and no one can change that.
That is not the conclusion we have to draw.
Instead of using the information that we communicate differently as a sort of judgment against your partner – how about viewing it through the lens of love? Most often it is not what we’re communicating so much as what’s lacking in the communication that’s the issue.
Feeling emotional, fearful, and sad can all be expressed in any healthy relationship – when we express them through our Shadow they come across as rage, bitterness, and irritation. When we express them in light- we are able to allow them to travel on the path of tenderness and vulnerability.
Yes, there’s that dirty V word.
Vulnerability is one of the most powerful things we have in our tool chest of feminine gifts. By opening your heart up and expressing your true feelings you will be surprised at the results.
You shouldn’t mistake vulnerability as a weakness because allowing yourself to be vulnerable means that you are strong enough to accept the fact that you might get hurt if you open yourself up. In fact, by allowing yourself to be vulnerable and express a full range of emotions, you will be looking after yourself more because you will be telling him exactly what you want and what you need. And you are doing so in a way that touches his heart.
That’s right ladies- here’s one of the biggest secrets that women have forgotten…
It’s what inserts your presence under his skin and close to his vulnerable spaces. It’s what moves him to be fiercely protective, to move mountains in your name and to want to give you the moon.
It is not your intellect, your business savvy, your ability to cuss like a sailor or rock his world in bed (although all of those things may be various flavors of icing on his cake), what really moves a man and takes him out of his head and into his heart – is your ability to get out of yours.
And there is always a but isn’t there?
This isn’t about manipulation. This is where I see this go off the rails pretty quickly so often. Women read things like this and say “AHA!! Okay got it… I need to act soft, act tender, I need to act in these ways then he’ll do what I want!”
First- the key is not to act – the key is to be. Deciding to act reduces the sacredness of the interaction to a mere ATM. You put in tenderness and get out what you want.
That’s hardly a relationship.
No – we don’t cultivate tenderness and softness for him only – we do it for us. When a woman has learned to be vulnerable – to show up in her FULL expression as powerful and weak whatever that may be – she has taken a huge step in opening herself to the process that creates Universes.
She begins to know herself as Love – and so she begins to show up to be Loved.
And this makes all the difference.
May you find your heart as soft and wild and tender today.
In unleashed Love,
P.S – If you like this and felt a few aha’s or bells ringing for you- take a look at what else I made for you here.