I’ve been a sex educator formally since 2006. I began studying sex and sexuality far before that though. Even in my conservative religious experience as a leader I spent quite a bit of time talking to women about sexuality and how to experience sexual pleasure.
Sexual empowerment is a big buzzword right now. It goes hand in hand with other buzzwords like “women’s empowerment”, “consciousness” and “polyamory”. All of these things are fine and wonderful in and of themselves.
But what if you have no interest in Polyamory?
What if you’re single and have no interest in casual (uncommitted) sex?
What if you have no desire to be “out there” and graphic when it comes to the experience of your sexuality?
This can be very challenging because much of what is written today about Sexual empowerment easily paints a picture of naked spreadeagled women at an orgy as if that’s the ONLY way that Sexual empowerment can be expressed. I’ve noticed and heard from a number of women (and men!) who desire monogamy or who feel that the current conversation around sexuality excludes them:
- Women who enjoy expressing sensuality that is not overt.
- Women who have a different type of energy.
- Men who desire a committed relationship
- Women for whom the “free love” sort of sexual empowerment doesn’t resonate.
These women and men have expressed concern and frustration. Often feeling like there is nothing for them in the realm of sexual expression. I’m writing this to say…
- You can be sexually empowered and be Monogamous. – Sexual empowerment is not about how many patners you have
- Sexual empowerment is not synonymous with Exhibitionism. – while there is nothing wrong with being exhibitionistic – it is not indicative of how empowered you are.
- You can experience any Sacred Sexual practices alone if you’re not in a committed relationship.
- Your sexuality is YOURS and should feel authentically fulfilling to you – not jarring and distasteful.
- All practices within the world of Sexuality aren’t for everyone.
- You don’t HAVE TO explore anything you don’t WANT to.
My Beloved and I have been in polyamorous relationships. They were enjoyable and we loved the people very much. And while we occasionally teach on polyamory, we are not currently in this type of dynamic – and we’re not seeking it at this time. I guess that means technically we’re ~gasp~ monogamous. Yes I know that’s unheard of within the realm of Empowered and Conscious sexuality. In addition -we have no desire for other sexual partners, and yet- we are totally content. The last few events we’ve attended we have had a number of people come up to us and come out:
“Yes we’re monogamous… even though we get odd looks”,
“We’re in a committed dynamic without other sexual partners and we love it”,
“We had other partners but found we didn’t like it – so we stopped”
In each case, these wonderful loving, liberated, conscious people felt at least a smidgen of shame.
As if they were “selling out”.
As if they needed to prove how open, progressive, and conscious they were by claiming relationship styles that really do not work for them.
And they aren’t the only ones.
Time and time again I receive messages and emails from people wondering where they fit. Wondering if they have to become someone they aren’t in order to be empowered.
The thing about empowerment is it is all about the power within. It’s the power to express what IS within.
If how you’re showing up sexually and relationally is just a mirror of someone else – no matter how empowered it seems – it’s just another weight on you.
When hordes of women were leaving home and going into the work force – the unfortunate downside was that these same women then ostracized the women who DESIRED to stay home and raise their families. Those women were called traitors to the cause. I have met many women who said that they longed to stay home with their children- but didn’t because of fear of being ostracized.
The key is not to trade one sort of shame for another. To exchange the fear and baggage of sexual oppression for the push and pressure of expressing a sexuality that is not authentic to YOU.
Here’s a newsflash:
Your sexuality is NOT about making a political statement.
At its core it’s about you, and how you desire to connect to yourself, your partners, your Creator and your pleasure.
If you need permission to be Monogamous here it is.
If you need permission to be modest – you got it!
Want permission to be celibate? Go for it!
Want to explore your Juiciness within the realm of privacy – AWESOME!
Perfectly happy in your het, traditional gender expression? I celebrate you.
Your sexuality is not yet another way for you to feel that you’re “doing it wrong”. This most sacred space of your Sexual and Relational expression is not public domain for everyone to weigh in and tell you what works for you.
This space is for play.
For holding lightly.
If you feel pressure it’s time to take a step back. If you want to explore various practices, techniques and tools – feel free to do that from the energy of liberty, curiosity, and connection – not push. Feel free to enjoy yourself. Also, feel free to evolve and change as works for you.
True Sexual Empowerment is all about the Freedom to be YOU. This is just the beginning of this discussion I look forward to talking about it more in the upcoming weeks and months!
Live. Love. Lush and Fearless,