This is the last post in this series about Men and Being Stuck in Neutral…
Shifting from Neutral into Drive
Unfortunately, the emotion that works almost 100% of the time to shift the masculine from neutral into drive – is ANGER.
Being angry is like being The HULK for a Neutral Guy – one moment you are calm, serene and in chil land – the next moment you feel like a giant raging green beast monster. Seeing or experiencing some form of injustice, either personally or observing can bring it out. Being fully immersed in a sporting event or contest can be a catalyst as well – watching our fave team struggle on the playing field can lead to anger and shift us into DRIVE. Being in DRIVE is exhilarating, its exciting – for most men its a level of being alive that is orders of magnitude beyond the mundane and everyday. Unfortunately using the emotion of anger to shift one’s energy from NEUTRAL into DRIVE in your relationship is like blowing out a birthday candle with a hand grenade. Sure its effective – but its also messy. Extremely.
An imbalance in polarity between men and women in a relationship can also be the catalyst for a shift into DRIVE. Relationships can be a self-correcting system akin to a stock marketplace ‘correction’… when the pendulum of energy in the relationship swings too far in the direction of the feminine, it is often the feminine that ‘forces’ a shift back toward the masculine. She finds the experience of carrying the energy for the masculine and the feminine in the relationship exhausting…and near impossible to do long term. In an effort to restore some sort of balance in the relationship, the person NOT in neutral will get so frustrated that they literally become the catalyst for change. Sometimes this inspires anger in the masculine to the point where HULK begins to emerge as part of that process. When there is a deficit in masculine polarity, in some relationships the feminine will appear to poke and prod at the masculine, challenging, demanding – the unspoken question below the surface: Where are you?
Finally, when the masculine arrives at the That’s Enough stage, then everything goes crazy for a moment – because the two parties are literally forced BACK into polarity, and the energy of this reaction is wild and unfocused. This is one of the reasons why some couples cycle from doldrums to arguing to happiness and then back to the doldrums until the next argument cycle. The relationship has a built-in circuit breaker that trips periodically in order to preserve the integrity of the system. After an argument cycle, the anger dissipates and is replaced by attraction and passion ignited by the resurgence in polarity. This will mean a short period of time of good times for the relationship. Make up sex anyone? As a result of the resurgence in polarity they experience intense attraction and interest in each other again.
Because the polarity between them isn’t conscious, it will be difficult to sustain – and after a while old habits will return. He gradually shifts back into NEUTRAL and she will begin taking on more and more responsibility for maintaining the polarity in the relationship. Because neither party is conscious of exactly when they start to slide backward into old patterns, they may go on like this under the tension of frustration (which is WAY different from the tension of polarity) building up until the next relationship cataclysm. This relationship has become a volcano that erupts sporadically, sometimes with little warning. Between eruptions the calm (or lack of hostilities) looks a lot like peace, but it isn’t. Not really.
Getting out of NEUTRAL
How can you shift out of NEUTRAL into DRIVE without the potentially devastating fallout of anger and irritation? Is there a strategy that is sure to defuse every tense situation, bring instant harmony and understanding, inspire and ignite polarity and lead to hot sex and a deeply fulfilling relationship for all?
Is it possible to be crazy happy and content in your relationship with her and with him, even if you don’t always understand why they do the things they do? Absolutely. First thing – stop worrying so much about what THEY are doing and concentrate on yourself. GASP am I advocating selfishness? Sorta. In my opinion the masculine today is TOO focused on the feminine for clues, cues and permissions to be masculine. Yes I know we are pretty hardwired to want to make her happy and what better way to find out what makes her happy than to be hyper vigilant about what she wants, I mean who would know better than she would about what she wants? Right? So just do THAT, and all will be well.
As a relationship philosophy it seems like that should work – the reality is that it doesn’t work for most people. There are a lot of frustrated women and men going through the same song and dance everyday and wondering why it doesn’t work. Why do we keep doing the same things but expect different results? Its my opinion that most men follow this philosophy due to conditioning and observation. Its likely how your Dad did it and how your Grandfather did it as well. The reason why it doesn’t work is not because there’s something wrong with you or with her.
Here’s the secret;
The feminine cannot teach the masculine how to BE masculine. Anymore than the masculine can teach the feminine how to actualize her femininity. We (Men and Women) don’t think the same, our brains literally work differently in a lot of ways – this is not just my opinion, it is actual scientific fact. The doctrine of ‘She knows best/everything/what you should be doing’ is a well-meaning philosophy, but its really a terrible idea, specifically when it comes to being yourself and actualizing your masculinity in the relationship.
This isn’t a case of inability or lack – for example my Namaste is strong, capable, intelligent, insightful and altogether wonderful it so many ways, there isn’t enough time or pixels in the world to articulate the full breadth and scope of her wonderful-ness. At the same time, she can be ephemeral, mysterious, effervescent, and holistic, flipping rapidly through emotions and thoughts and desires at a dizzying pace – a pace that doesn’t translate very well for the masculine mind. If I am constantly looking at her for clues as to how Im supposed to be in the world, we both will end up confused and irritated. By the time I’ve delivered to her exactly what I think she meant, she will have changed her mind! My consistency and focus doesn’t mean Im slow – and her ephemeral changeability doesn’t mean she’s flighty. We’ve learned in our society to attach negatives to our natural talents and tendencies – this is unnecessary and wrong to do. Difference is not a disability. We have different ways of looking at the world – but that’s all they are, different. Not better or worse – just different.
Being Your Best You
- Being your best you and having the relationship of your dreams means being vulnerable – it means opening the vault and getting out of your head and into your body.
- It means feeling the fear of potential misunderstanding and rejection and moving ahead anyway to have the tough conversation.
- It means communicating when you are hurting, especially when it would be much easier to just be angry or withdraw.
- It means letting her know how you are feeling, how you are REALLY feeling. It means owning your feelings, acknowledging and honoring them, instead of burying them, ignoring them or trying not to feel anything.
- It means taking the initiative – to be the opener of communication on any subject – to participate as a leader and an advocate for your own feelings and not just waiting and constantly responding to what SHE wants to talk about.
- Finally – being your best you means fully participating in your relationship as an equal partner and taking responsibility for its success. It is essential that the masculine stop making the feminine the custodian and guardian of all things having to do with the heart and emotions.
Open your mouth.
Open your heart.
Open your eyes.
This is what it means to shift out of NEUTRAL into DRIVE. Trust me, its worth it.