You may not realize it, but she REALLY wants your engagement. Your thoughts, observations, your honest input and feedback. She really wants to hear what you think and she wants it to come from you in your own words. It doesnt matter what it LOOKS like – please understand that even though it seems like she’s mostly interested in filling the space between you with her words, its really YOUR words that are SO needed and necessary at this time.
OK smart guy….if she wants my input, why is she talking so much?
Late Breaking News; Your ‘listening’ face probably doesn’t look INTERESTED or ENGAGED. Does your ’listening’ face look like a combination plate of bored with a side order of ‘I don’t get it’? If so, she will feel like she needs to explain again what she feels the issue is, or give you another example (or 10) or go all the way back to the beginning..and the longer your face looks like that, (along with your keeping most of your energy and thoughts inside your own head) the longer the conversation takes and more frustrated you both get!! Plus – if your standard M.O. is to be silent and ‘listen’ to her all the time, she’s probably expecting to carry the conversational load in most discussions. And so it goes.
Strong and silent is hurting your relationship bro.
Being the strong, silent type isn’t helping your relationship. Despite what you may have heard, believed, seen your Dad or Granddad do – or maybe you’ve never really thought it through prior to now – consistency in ‘non-communication’ can actually be toxic to the health of your relationship. Even if everything else is going well.
STOP doing these things immediately;
- living ‘in your head’ while life is going on around you.
- avoiding sharing your opinions with her.
- having imaginary conversations in your head where you shame yourself for holding back what you SHOULD have said earlier.
- believing that your thoughts and observations should be held in reserve for ‘important’ discussions.
- deciding that ‘there’s no real point in discussing it’ – whatever it is.
- believing that if you just give in and say okay to whatever, THEN she’ll be happy’.
- holding “it” in – until you can’t anymore (e.g. you get angry or emotional enough that you are the one that explodes)
Although I started this piece off with the statement that too much listening is overrated, good communication actually involves both giving and receiving – listening and talking on the part of both parties. The problem is that many men believe that OUR part of ‘good communication’ consists mostly of RECEIVING information, thinking intently about that information and deciding what actions to take in the future based upon the information we’ve received. Your taking an automatic RECEIVING position as a default actually contributes to her irritation during a discussion! Its all about the POLARITY between you. The Divine Feminine is in a constant dance with the Sacred Masculine – and just like a dance, when your masculine essence takes a step back…her feminine essence must take a step forward. This is where it gets interesting – and why your retreating to ‘keep the peace’ doesnt work! When her feminine essence is forced to ‘take that step forward’ in search of your masculine essence and you literally arent there, its exhausting and depleting to her. She’s out of balance…. and it shows through her irritation. Your retreat leaves YOU out of balance as well, which doesnt feel good and contributes to your irritation as well. Her feminine essence NEEDS your masculine essence to step forward, not retreat.
How to ‘step forward’ – and get off the Irritation-Go-Round!!!
You are an awesome Man in SO MANY WAYS – lets face it, you MUST be amazing, because she’s so into you!!!! In order to have a great relationship, clear communication has to be one of your highest priorities. Staying ‘in your head’ – e.g., just thinking about whatever she just said without response…is ‘stepping back’. Keeping your thoughts to yourself most of the time is ‘stepping back’. Actively sharing what’s in your noggin with the person you’re in relationship with is letting your masculine essence rise to the challenge and is stepping forward – and will yield major benefits for both of you…but you have to take the leadership role and DO IT – real talk. Being a leader is stepping forward. Embracing your strength, being present and being engaged is stepping forward. Even being vulnerable and sharing what you truly think and believe with her is a form of stepping forward. And you can begin doing all of these things starting today. You CAN really get off the Irritation-Go-Round forever!!! What’s awesome about this is that you can start right now – there are no complicated forms to fill out, ingredients to mix or batteries to purchase. No salesman will call. So get started – take some small steps today in the direction you want to go. STEP FORWARD.
Blow her mind;
You Need To Do This TODAY…YOU spontaneously start a conversation!! It can be about anything you’ve been thinking about . This establishes you as a more active participant in the relationship and is a reversal of the passive, receiving mode most men are in with their women. Dont be passive and receiving !!– YOU are ACTIVE and GIVING, let her receive your thoughts. Watch her reaction! She’s probably VERY interested in what you have to say, which will no doubt please AND inspire you….KEEP TALKING!! Her Divine Feminine wants to dance with your Sacred Masculine – give it a chance!!! If you step forward, she’ll dance with you in harmony – you’ll be shocked, surprized and amazed – and the irritation that has been plaguing your relationship will begin to dissipate like fog in the sunlight.
Now….What if you didn’t start the conversation? Not to worry!! use this handy transitional phrase guide to Join the Conversation and begin GIVING your thoughts instead of just receiving and being quiet and thoughtful.
Say this; ‘Im glad you brought that up – I’ve been doing some thinking about X_____….(and then actually start telling her what you’ve been thinking!)
Other handy phrases;
- This is what I believe.
- This is my dream for ________.
- I’ve been thinking about this.
- These are my thoughts
- This is my vision, I really want to ________.
- I want to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind
- Got a moment?
Make her your cheerleader!!!
Trust me on this – more communication is always better for your relationship. Tell HER you’ve been thinking about how the two of you communicate and tell her that you are committed to getting better at the art of conversation. In fact – use this article as a conversation starter. Resist the temptation to take this on as a Secret Mission, the fantastic results of which you’ll unveil in some dramatic fashion when you Get Good At It. Its ESSENTIAL that she’s onboard as your partner in crime here. Why is it important that you do this together?
- You must change the pattern of her always talking (GIVING) and you always sitting there listening (RECEIVING) – remember POLARITY!!!
- Getting GOOD at the free exchange of ideas between you sets you up for success – if she feels she knows whats on your heart then she can trust you. Trust means security and feeling secure and safe is at the TOP of the list of Good Things for her. (for many women, not feeling secure is a major contributor to feeling irritated and out-of sorts much of the time)
- Talking together becomes a source of pleasure instead of something we must engage in when there’s a problem.
- Trying to effect a major change like this without involving her is sorta like winking in the dark….YOU know what you’re doing, but nobody else does.
- We almost always resist change – Changing old behavioral patterns and getting off the Irritation-Go-Round is going to feel strange at first for BOTH of you. Doing this together improves your communication.
Give it some time, stay at it. Let me know how its going. Most guys are NOT doing this with the women in their lives – so congratulations for being a visionary and a trailblazer. YOU sir, are a major badass and soon to be the envy of your fantasy football league. You are now taking some major steps toward having the relationship of your dreams!!!!
Hey – we are all about helping peeps reclaim the amazingness of their relationships. If your dance together is jacked up – if we can help you get back in step in as little as 30 minutes we will. Its free. We are good like that. Setup your chat time now.