The other day at dinner with 2 amazing couples, the topic of relationship drains came up. My Beloved and I made the observation that we have a culture of brokenness. What this is- is that in our culture here in the USA- we notice the tendency to want to hold on to pain as a way of feeling special.
No one really expects or seeks to get OUT OF whatever the pain is.
The most that will happen is perhaps some management can occur. But never true healing.
This occurs in our medical field – diseases that are possibly healable such as obesity, diabetes, even hypertension are managed but never healed
It happens in mental health – everyone has something – have you noticed this? OCD, BPD, Bi-polar, depression, manic, PTSD, etc; these terms are thrown about (often without a diagnosis) and never healed from – simply managed – forever.
What’s most amazing is not that the healing doesn’t occur- it’s that its not even LOOKED for. Most of the time the Western automatic response is one of learning to live with it – not heal it.
And –not surprisingly this is mirrored in romantic relationships and in general world view and experience of life.
A person gets their heart broken – so they decide to never love again. They experience betrayal – so they decide to never trust again. They feel devalued – so they decide to just say “F*ck the world- I don’t need anyone!”, they were rejected and now they perceive rejection EVERYWHERE.
Everyone has a wound.
Something that your mother/father/brother/sister/friend/enemy/teacher/student/neighbor/stranger/family/society did to you. Some great pain that was inflicted upon you that informs upon how you live life and how you love.
Many times we just avoid that place in our lives.
We know the pain it causes and the agony so why even go there? Better to just walk around it. This can work until we get into a relationship.
Then we can have the expectation that our Beloved will ALSO walk around it. Make allowances for our wound.
Because we never think in terms of healing – only managing our past pain.
Even when our loves try their hardest – they are rarely ever able to avoid the danger zone of our pain for long. Within relationships, we frequently find out that the area of woundedness is far more pervasive than we thought. Our partners can rarely do anything without in some way setting off a pain flair of some past pain.
So what do you do?
The only solve really is the willingness to heal. To not simply manage your past pain but to open up to the idea that maybe just maybe – you can heal from it and not have it effect your life anymore.
Yes darling – I realize this idea is new and novel – it might even sound crazy!
“No one heals!” – you might think.
Au contraire dear heart! In the realm of authentic sustainable relationship cultivation – the ONLY way out is through.
And that’s what coaching does.
In all my years of coaching what I have noticed to be true in all of my clients is that they are amazing , competent, powerful people.
85% have kick-ass loving relationships.
They are very good at the things they do.
So why do they need me?
I do what any good coach does- I show them their blindspots.
See, if you go to any gym you’ll see men there that apparently LOVE to work out their upper body. HUGE pecs, arms and all sorts of glorious bodies. But if you look at their lower body. It’s small and under-developed. You ever wonder “how the heck did that happen?” Especially when they’re ALWAYS at the gym?
The way that happens is because it is human nature to work on the things we love and enjoy and to have an energetic and emotional blind spot to things that we do not enjoy.
This applies most blatantly to relationships. In our romantic relationships you have a case where fundamentally BOTH people truly long for and desire to get along and live happily ever after. Whenever they come in contact with something that seems to rock the boat, feel bad, or cause tension, the tendency is to just ignore it, to simply not look at it or discuss it or to say “I can deal with that” and “its okay” without having any dialogue about it with your partner.
Why? Because we’re in love and we’re sure it’ll all work out eventually.
At least initially.
Over time some of those things start seeming eerily similar to situations from our past. We start noticing how many things this person does that reminds of that person who hurt us, wounded us, etc. We find it more and more challenging to feel deeply fulfilled and loved in the relationship. We find ourselves feeling more and more judgment about who the person is and how much they care for us. Eventually all of those things build up and the relationship ends – at least emotionally if not physically.
Coaching is an incredible mirror. We’re talking High Def to the nth degree. It shows you thing you can’t see from your vantage point.
Coaching provides a way to help you see truly the areas that you might prefer to NOT see. In seeing these areas of weakness and wounding you are then provided with an opportunity and tools to begin to heal and strengthen in those areas. It’s not easy. Usually those are areas that you’d rather NOT deal with or tools you’d rather not use. Especially because you’re working muscles that may have darn near atrophied completely. That’s okay. The thing about the coach is they are right in there with you. Helping. Guiding. Teaching. Encouraging.
Waiting until you relationship has “issues” to seek coaching is like waiting until you’re in the Superbowl to start football training. Yes you can do that- but you’ll have missed huge opportunities. Start now. Begin today. Build the relationship you long for and heal your past wounds.
Live. Love. Lush and Fearless,
P.S – If you’d like a sacred container to hold you, love you, accept you as you Transform – I invite you to join:http://tinyurl.com/GetSOFT
P.P.S. You can work with Richard and/or myself in coaching! Click here to see how to work with us!