Last weekend while walking down the stone stairs that lead to our Quirky House I took a mis-step, causing the dreaded inversion ankle sprain.
And what a sprain it is.
I should say here that we thought it was much much worse than a sprain given the quickness with which is became swollen and the fact that I was not able to put ANY pressure on it.
And my screaming when it first happened. Because, you know – it hurt. A Lot.
A trip to the hospital and some xrays later and we know it’s not broken. Great! I’m in a splint, ordered to rest it as much as possible, keep it elevated and use crutches.
I’ve been in bed mostly since Saturday, causing a bit of cabin fever. Groceries needed buying, school supplies needed getting – so yesterday we went shopping.
We get to the store and my Beloved tells me that I should use one of the motorized carts. I pout. I squirm.
“Those are for the elderly and people with REAL medical issues” I say to Him with big doe eyes that say “don’t make me do this”
“Those are for people who need to sit while shopping” He says back – pulling the cart out and nudging me towards it.
I’m challenged, uncomfortable but I sit in one.
The clerk comes over to unplug it and to tell me how to use it.
I feel embarrassed, awkward. “Why is this bothering me?” I wonder to myself. I tuck the question inside as we wander from aisle to aisle.
As I’m riding around the store I muse about what ‘s been coming up for me lately. Words like Vulnerability and Imperfection, Acceptance and Flexibility. I’ve been wondering – where can I be more vulnerable – where am I still guarded – still feeling the need to appear “strong” and “perfect”.
I am buzzing down the aisle when it hits me – why being in this little motorized cart in HEB bring me such discomfort.
I feel weak.
Not weak as in I’m going to pass out.
Weak as in – my lack of ability to do everything for myself, without aid or help is impaired. Weak as in “I need help”. Weak in a way I’m definitely not used to feeling.
I look at my gorgeous Beloved and our son as they walk down the aisles with me, calling me “speed racer” and grabbing items as I call them out from the list. They joke with me and they both handle me gently. Tenderly. I realize a few things.
- It is one thing to ask others to help you when you CAN do it myself – it feels completely different to have to rely on assistance. There is a softening that becomes available in that opportunity if you let it. Soften into it.
- Weak comes from a word that means vulnerable.(I know this because I looked it up on my phone while in the store – huzzah for the internet!) To explore vulnerability is to explore and embrace weakness. Not as something to be overcome, but as a simple facet of being. You’re going to be weak sometimes and it’s okay.
- This is a perfect example of powerful surrender- as I ride through the store I surrender to the moment, surrender to my need to be handled gently, to receive assistance – surrender to my external lessening – and find that in that surrender I find something precious. By surrendering to that feeling of weakness, I reclaim those weak spaces internally, reclaiming them as valued.
- I’ve been taught that as a woman to be strong is to be Powerful. That I need to show up in strength 24/7. This is exhausting, depleting, and utterly false. The truth is I need to show up as ME- whatever that me looks like in that moment. Sometimes strong sometimes weak, sometimes in Yes sometimes in No. Sometimes whole and sometimes broken. It’s all good.
As the lessons fall into place like dominos I smile. I feel the self-consciousness ebb. I relax into my Beloved caring for me, stop worrying and learn to celebrate my weakness.
Live. Love. Lush and Fearless,