The High Cost of Always Being Right

I dont remember the exact conversation that we were having…but I do know that I insisted that I was right about something. In fact, I was so sure that how I was seeing things was the exact right way to see them that in expressing my viewpoint I just kept repeating the same sentences over and over again, as if by sheer repetition of my perspective that my Namaste would understand and agree that I was right! LOL…. In her gentle and thoughtful way, she asked me a question about the nature of what I was trying to communicate and whether or not I believed she could really understand why I felt the way I did just from my repetition of what I believed happened.

It took me about 3 more laps around the metaphorical conversation track before the light finally came on!!! Eventually I realized that my insistence that I was right kept me from fully participating in the discussion and delayed reaching a place of understanding. Being ‘right’ actually became a barrier to intimacy and communication! We actually laughed about it when we unraveled what was happening, but since that time I’ve been thinking about how many people we know who struggle with this very issue, on an ongoing basis – often with disastrous consequences in their relationships, personal lives and even in their careers.

Some of us will sacrifice almost anything in order to be the last one standing. In the aftermath, a person who had been surrounded by closeness, togetherness or even love, now sits alone safe in the knowledge that he or she is right in their viewpoint even though they have alienated everyone around them.  The ego is a mighty powerful entity left unchecked. Have you ever attempted to reason with a child who knows everything? It is their way or no way at all. They simply cannot understand the concept of another persons point of view.  Children go through a stage where they are extremely self-absorbed. The world revolves around their desires and needs. This is a normal stage of childhood where the child is asserting their individuality and independence. The problem arises when the behavior is carried over into adulthood, then it can have a negative effect on intimacy, communication and our relationships.

People who need to be right have little patience for others.

They perceive their ideas as the right way to do things and their viewpoint as the right way to think.  A differing opinion is a direct affront to their sense of well-being and they can become extremely aggressive in their defense of themselves.  They tend to alienate others due to their insistence on being right. The importance of the issue in question doesnt seem to have any relevance.  Anger and a lack of empathy seem to be the rule of thumb. Have you ever been discussing something fervently with your spouse and at some point you lose the thread on what it was that you were even talking about? But you still have all the emotion and the anger and you are still pressing your ‘point’ even though you no longer know what your point is? You may be firmly in the grip of the Being Right disease!!!

If you cant say ‘Amen‘ then say ‘ouch‘ as my pastor used to say!!

Men and women are very different.  We each have a totally unique set of DNA that will never be replicated short of cloning.  I dont think the same as my Namaste does and vice-versa.  Our brains are wired differently. What seems totally natural and easy for me to do may be close to impossible for her and vice versa. When we have had different ways of looking at a particular issue I’ve discovered over time that its easy to get caught in the thought pattern; ‘If I can see this so clearly, why in the world cant you?  The reality is that just because I can see things a certain way does not mean that she can.  Nor does it make me better or right. Just different. Websters dictionary states the following as a definition of the word right: conforming to facts or truth; most favorable or desired. Can someones opinion or idea be right because it is considered as conforming to the truth or a fact? By the way, whose truth? Or better yet, two viewpoints can each conform to the truth so which one is more right? Can someones communication on a subject be the most favorable or desired?  That is highly relative and I think that is the point.  It is all relative.

There’s a difference between ‘right’ and ‘self righteousness’.

When we simply MUST be right – that seems to be more akin to the definition of self-righteous which Websters defines as being convinced of one’s own righteousness, especially in contrast with the actions and beliefs of others -we come across as self-righteous, i.e., someone who feels that their way of seeing and doing things is inherently superior to that of others. Why do we feel such an intense need to be right? Myriad reasons come to mind: self esteem issues, low self-confidence, the past running the present, remnants of childhood adaptations, ego-centric behavior, a ‘win at any cost’ mentality – the list goes on and on.  I am of the opinion that it isnt so much the reasons (although it is important to understand why we do certain things) behind why we need to be right rather the self-knowledge that we are indeed involved in this kind of self-destructive behavior. We are responsible for how we communicate, what we say to each other, for how we react to each other. When we are caught in the grip of self-righteousness its very easy to lose sight of this basic fact. What are the costs of being right? We come across as a know-it-all, which alienates those we love and negatively impacts our relationships. We isolate ourselves. We turn away intimacy, connectedness and love.  We become an island unto ourselves. Most impactful is the fact that we close ourselves off to the beauty of what our relationship has to offer because we think we know best. We will never recognize where the next opportunity for growth or depth in our relationship lies if we do not remain open to possibilities.  To remain receptive to the opportunities that are being offered to us, we must keep an open mind and heart. We must learn to listen to what she or he has to say. We must be aware and conscious of what is being offered to us at any given moment. We must realize that there is much to gain from listening and not speaking. If I am too busy pushing my agenda, I cannot possibly hear what is being said and therefore I may miss out on what could be an opportunity to experience deep learning and personal growth. Maybe you’re not a spiritual person and you don’t believe that the universe is sending messages all the time for what is best and highest in your life, as I do. Then consider this; Looking at Screenshot 2014-08-12 18.23.37the big picture versus the immediate helps put things in perspective.  If you don’t get your way, is it a matter of life and death?  Will you even remember this incident ten years from now?  Some things are simply not worth the effort and being right all the time fits into that category. Think of what it is like to be heard?  How do you regard someone who takes a sincere interest in you and what you have to say?  Those people who hold a genuine curiosity about others are magnets. We are attracted to them because they make us feel good about ourselves.  They in turn are rewarded with deeper friendships, better working relationships, more meaningful and loving personal relationships, a greater degree and depth of intimacy, and a universe that continually opens with more possibilities. Here’s the Truth:

The best part about this – you can start today . Start by simply noticing if you are overly invested in being right when you have a discussion with your beloved.  Just notice how you are being and ask yourself, why?  Imagine being in their shoes and seeing through their eyes. What do you look like from their viewpoint?  Is it a picture you like?  If not, how could you do things differently? As you notice and do things differently you may start to see dramatic changes.  Or the changes may be subtler.  As we learn to do things differently, to react differently in our interactions with our beloved, then they start to react differently to us!  Your world will open up.  You will start feeling more connected.  You will learn new things that had remained closed off to you before.  New possibilities for a life and love that is more meaningful and fulfilling will appear to you. Being righteous and being self-righteous are at the opposite ends of the spectrum.  A life well lived is a life where being right is not the be-all end-all. The most important thing is to love fully, love deeply and to be loved in return. Whenever we feel that sensation of ‘needing to be right’ – its always helpful to ask yourself..”What would LOVE say or do in this very situation?” Then proceed.

 

P.S. – Out of Romantic Ideas? Now you have 101 of them – click here to download my free e-book!!!

Yoni Egg Magic LIVE Session!

Hey loves! A few days ago I released my first book on  Amazon!! WOOHOO!! This book is titled “Yoni Egg Secrets” and it’s a definitive guide to yoni eggs. It’s available here **BTW if you don’t have a Kindle you can still get it! You can download free Kindle apps for all of you Android, Iphone, Ipad, Macbooks and other electronic devices** If you think yoni eggs are only for inserting and doing a few kegels and thats it – have I got news for you! You can use these amazing little powerhouses to help heal your womb issues, connect you to your Yoni, increase sexual pleasure, help with incontinence and heal a HOST of physical and emotional issues.

On Wednesday 8/14/14 at 7:30pm CDT I am talking Yoni Egg Magic darlings!!

Come join me on this free Live Webinar!! I’m looking forward to sharing some Yoni information in regard to Yoni eggs as well as how we feel about our yoni’s (vajayjay) in general. You do NOT want to miss this!! If you have private questions you can send them to me at Namaste@RichardandNamaste.com and I’ll answer them on the air! (I’ll keep the names confidential) Sign up above to  access to the Live Webinar! Live, Love Lush and Fearless! namaste signature pink

 

P.S – If you’d like a sacred container to hold you, love you, accept you as you Transform – I invite you to join:http://tinyurl.com/GetSOFT

A Culture of Brokenness and Relationships

The other day at dinner with 2 amazing couples, the topic of relationship drains came up. My Beloved and I made the observation that we have a culture of brokenness. What this is- is that in our culture here in the USA- we notice the tendency to want to hold on to pain as a way of feeling special.

No one really expects or seeks to get OUT OF whatever the pain is.

The most that will happen is perhaps some management can occur. But never true healing.

This occurs in our medical field – diseases that are possibly healable such as obesity, diabetes, even hypertension are managed but never healed

It happens in mental health – everyone has something – have you noticed this? OCD, BPD, Bi-polar, depression, manic, PTSD, etc; these terms are thrown about (often without a diagnosis) and never healed from – simply managed – forever.

What’s most amazing is not that the healing doesn’t occur- it’s that its not even LOOKED for. Most of the time the Western automatic response is one of learning to live with it – not heal it.

And –not surprisingly this is mirrored in romantic relationships and in general world view and experience of life.

A person gets their heart broken – so they decide to never love again. They experience betrayal – so they decide to never trust again. They feel devalued – so they decide to just say “F*ck the world- I don’t need anyone!”, they were rejected and now they perceive rejection EVERYWHERE.

Everyone has a wound.

Something that your mother/father/brother/sister/friend/enemy/teacher/student/neighbor/stranger/family/society did to you. Some great pain that was inflicted upon you that informs upon how you live life and how you love.

Many times we just avoid that place in our lives.

We know the pain it causes and the agony so why even go there?  Better to just walk around it. This can work until we get into a relationship.

Then we can have the expectation that our Beloved will ALSO walk around it. Make allowances for our wound.

Because we never think in terms of healing – only managing our past pain.

Even when our loves try their hardest – they are rarely ever able to avoid the danger zone of our pain for long. Within relationships, we frequently find out that the area of woundedness is far more pervasive than we thought. Our partners can rarely do anything without in some way setting off a pain flair of some past pain.

So what do you do?

True healing quote

The only solve really is the willingness to heal. To not simply manage your past pain but to open up to the idea that maybe just maybe – you can heal from it and not have it effect your life anymore.

Yes darling – I realize this idea is new and novel – it might even sound crazy!

“No one heals!” – you might think.

Au contraire dear heart! In the realm of authentic sustainable relationship cultivation – the ONLY way out is through.

And that’s what coaching does.

In all my years of coaching what I have noticed  to be true in all of my clients is that they are amazing , competent, powerful people.

85%  have kick-ass loving relationships.

They are very good  at the things they do.

So why do they need me?

I do what any good coach does- I show them their blindspots.

See, if you go to any gym you’ll see men there that apparently LOVE to work out their upper body. HUGE pecs, arms and all sorts of glorious bodies. But if you look at their lower body. It’s small and under-developed. You ever wonder “how the heck did that happen?” Especially when they’re ALWAYS at the gym?

The way that happens is because it is human nature to work on the things we love and enjoy and to have an energetic and emotional blind spot to things that we do not enjoy.

This applies most blatantly to relationships. In our romantic relationships you have a case where fundamentally BOTH people truly long for and desire to get along and live happily ever after. Whenever they come in contact with something that seems to rock the boat, feel bad, or cause tension, the tendency is to just ignore it, to simply not look at it or discuss it or to say “I can deal with that” and “its okay” without having any dialogue about it with your partner.

Why? Because we’re in love and we’re sure it’ll all work out eventually.

At least initially.

Over time some of those things start seeming eerily similar to situations from our past. We start noticing how many things this person does that reminds of that person who hurt us, wounded us, etc. We find it more and more challenging to feel deeply fulfilled and loved in the relationship. We find ourselves feeling more and more judgment about who the person is and how much they care for us. Eventually all of those things build up and the relationship ends – at least emotionally if not physically.

Coaching is an incredible mirror. We’re talking High Def to the nth degree.  It shows you thing you can’t see from your vantage point.

Coaching provides a way to help you see truly the areas that you might prefer to NOT see. In seeing these areas of weakness and wounding you are then provided with an opportunity and tools to begin to heal and strengthen in those areas. It’s not easy. Usually those are areas that you’d rather NOT deal with or tools you’d rather not use. Especially because you’re working muscles that may have darn near atrophied completely. That’s okay. The thing about the coach is they are right in there with you. Helping. Guiding. Teaching. Encouraging.

Waiting until you relationship has “issues” to seek coaching is like waiting until you’re in the Superbowl to start football training. Yes you can do that- but you’ll have missed huge opportunities. Start now. Begin today. Build the relationship you long for and heal your past wounds.

Live. Love. Lush and Fearless,

namaste signature pink

 

 

P.S – If you’d like a sacred container to hold you, love you, accept you as you Transform – I invite you to join:http://tinyurl.com/GetSOFT

P.P.S. You can work with Richard and/or myself in coaching! Click here to see how to work with us!