I remember the pain and agony of my divorce.
At times I thought the pain would literally kill me.
It was like walking down a never-ending spiral staircase of razor blades steps barefoot into hell itself.
On a good day. (holla if you know what that feels like)
Vows….well, vows were my friends!
I feel like such a fool, I’ll NEVER be fooled again!
I let this happen. I will NEVER let this happen again!
I vowed any number of times that I would never, ever be in this situation again.
And I worked really hard at making sure I kept that promise to myself.
Armored up….just like a Transformer, or a tank.
Encased my heart in armor plating – nothing could get in…or out for that matter.
I became numb. At the time I remember thinking that numbness wasn’t really what I wanted. But I felt like I had no choice.
Numbness is better than pain, I thought.
I choose to Go Deeper.
I hear the sages talk about how pain can be a teacher.
What’s interesting is that most people automatically assume that the lesson pain is teaching us is to become really, really good at AVOIDING PAIN.
Like I did – Hence the Armor.
Its a common misconception.
And the Real Issue is never pain itself. Pain is just the messenger.
The reality is that pain draws our attention to what the real issue is.
The 10th Law of Karma is The Law of Change. The essence of this law states that “history repeats itself until we learn the lessons that we need to change our path.”
One of the ideas that broke through the fog of confusion and pain is that my steadfast commitment to NOT being in pain again wasn’t serving me.
I also had someone who loved me unconditionally through my rage and my hurt. My Namaste.
Trying to avoid pain by armoring up is tantamount to avoid getting a stomachache by swearing off food.
Either one will kill you if you keep it up long enough. Die emotionally, or Die physically.
I choose to Go Deeper.
I choose to Love.
Love involves risk. Plain and simple.
If you want to have joy in your life, you have to feel and if you want to feel you have to open up. And if you open up….
Well, you can be hurt.
My body cannot live without food.
And my heart cannot live without love. THIS is the lesson that pain was trying to teach me.
Finally I learned to listen.
Lesson #1. Oaths and Vows are Important. – In many faiths, distinction is made between simple promises and oaths or vows. What I didnt realize is that an oath is a promise invoking God as a witness. In our culture de-constructing a vow (like a marriage vow) takes a shiz-ton of effort. When I swear that I wont EVER do something again (like love, marriage etc.) That’s serious bizness. I had to do some serious work to de-story and unravel the commitment I made to the Path of Being Alone, Angry and Hurt before I could truly heal and move on to a good relationship. Speaking of Anger…
Lesson # 2 When the Anger dissipates – Fear can step in to fill its place. Nobody can remain angry and hurt forever. Eventually it fades away….but what came in to take the place of the anger? Fear. Not a devastating phobia type of fear, just an instinctual avoidance of things that didnt feel safe…Like discussing how I truly felt about anything among other things. I realized that all all that anger eventually settled in my heart like sediment. Solidified anger shows up as fear. Its impossible to move forward with a bunch of fear onboard – I had to unravel and de-story the fear that had become a part of me through the process of my divorce. Working on doing THAT led me to….
Lesson #3 Forgiveness is Essential. I cant truly move forward in my life without forgiveness. Beyond fault finding, beyond grief, beyond anger, remorse, self-punishment and the rest….I found that forgiveness was patiently waiting for me. In order to move forward I needed to forgive myself and forgive her as well. There are no shortcuts, substitutes or excuses. Its a proven fact – Unforgiveness will shorten your life. As long as you feel like you have a good reason for holding on to your lack of forgiveness, you can never be truly free. Through forgiveness I eventually learned to see her as another Divine being having a human experience. Through my work with forgiveness I got to the place where I honestly am thankful for my ex and for all that we shared and for everything that I learned as a result of our time together. Working with forgiveness led to …
Lesson #4 Gratitude is a Gateway. A simple, yet life changing practice was the establishment of a Gratitude Journal. Each day I write down at least 10 things that Im grateful for. On those days when I cannot seem to make the first step in a direction toward anything remotely resembling positivity, this simple, powerful act of literally ‘counting’ my blessings gently leads me toward a place of mental and spiritual clarity and proves to be a tremendously effective act of self love and healing. Someone much wiser than I said that its impossible to be thankful and depressed at the same time. I believe this wholeheartedly.
What lessons is your pain trying to teach you? How often have you repeated the same history, over and over again? Have you made oaths and vows to your own hurt and pain? Still Angry? Hurt?
Do you find yourself having the same OLD arguments in a different relationship with a different person? Are you tormented by the same OLD fears, in your new relationship?
In Abundant Love,