Fair is not Fulfilling

Reading a book by David Deida has me wanting to talk about Fairness.

 

So often in our modern first world countries we see fairness as being indicative os social justice, civility and evolutionary change

This is of course SPOT on when it comes to considering how the government operates and how the society encourages its citizens to interact.

HOWEVER – fairness- and a constant reflection about how “fair” things are can be the death sentence to being in love

Here’s why:

“When judgement increases, Love decreases”

 

Fairness is a place of constant judgement. Constant reflection – not on being in love, not on your own expression of care, appreciation and kindness – but on “Whats in this for me” or WITFM (pronounced woof-em) When you spend your time considering the relationship through the lenses of WITFM – you automatically create what amounts to a Love-suck.  And this my darling, is. not. good.

 

Focus on the Fulfillment of Being in Love Instead. 

Instead of pushing back against unfairness in your relationship spend time Leaning into what’s Fulfilling.

 

Where are you feeling MOST loved?

What things does your Beloved do that expressed appreciation?

Where can you pour out more love from a space of expansion?

How are you expressing your appreciation?

 

Focusing on fulfillment gives you a state of empowerment. It’s a perfect example of doings what you CAN do instead of concerning yourself with what you can’t do. It’s also a great way to get clear about what you love not based on a politically correct version of getting out of a gender binary, what it means to be a feminist, how to be a conscious male or any of that – but based on something MUCH MUCH more powerful.

 

What it is that gives you pleasure. What it is that fulfills you.

You may be a person thats is totally happy doing all the cooking or cleaning – do that! Who gives a crap about what society says!

 

Whatever it is – find that place of passion and pleasure and do that.

Lean into the Love.

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4 Practices to add the Juice!

Okay we’re not going to waste time because we have a ton to do before bed- but we just wanted to drop this here. It’s late, but well worth the time to read and start cogitating on it. Your Man or Woman will thank you. Trust me.

4 Practices to add the Juice to your Relationship

1. Be Impeccable With your word:

Speaking the truth. Not speaking against your relationship or your partner, not engaging in gossip or Man/Woman bashing, War of the Sexes, Men don’t understand women, Women are all emotional crazies. None of that. Expressing that with is highest and best and aligned with what you want to see more of in your relationship. Talking about the positive. Many times we associate communication by definition as dealing with relationship problems. Do you communicate about what’s WORKING? what you’d like to do, see, experience more of? The good things that you feel in the relationship?

Impeccable – guilt-less, sinless (sin meaning things that go against yourself – your highest nature)

  • What are some ways we aren’t impeccable?
  • How can we be impeccable?
  • No guilt trips.

2. Don’t take anything personally.

When we’re in a relationship we tend to think everything is about us. If our partner is silent- then obviously don’t want to talk to us. If they’re grumpy, they must be mad at us. Even if our partner tells us that they are reacting based on something someone else did – we will often still make it personal – ie “If you really loved me, wanted to be with etc; you would let that situation affect you to this extent, your love for me would cause you to get over this etc’” When we stop taking things personally true communication (meaning connection) can occur. We can truly HEAR. And hearing doesn’t make us feel bad about our selves. When you don’t take anything personally nothing someone else says can alter your perception of your innate worth or value – so you stop trying to defend yourself because you recognize there is no need to defend yourself.

  • What things are you taking personally?
  • How can you stop?
  • Detachment from taking everything personally creates intimacy

3. Don’t make assumptions.

You know what they say about assumptions right? That make an ASS out of us both. We can only have our side of the conversation. Not both sides of the conversation. Often the familiarity and knowing we have for our partner causes us to “assume” we know what they mean, what their motives are etc; before they tell us. We assume we know how they feel, and the intention behind the words. If we take a breath and stop making assumptions we can then truly hear our partner and allow our partner to FEEL heard. Not making assumptions says that I respect you and honor your own expression enough to not presume to KNOW- but rather to give you my attention as you express yourself.

  • Where are you making assumptions?
  • Where can you ASK instead of ASSume?
  • Where can you give your partner SPACE to express feelings without assumption?

4. Always do your best.

This one is quite simple and yet can be challenging. Our best changes from day to day and moment to moment that is a constant in like. However if we commit to always doing our best we are committing to give our best selves in this Moment to our relationship and our partner – without reservation. There is not caveat here. No “Yes but you don’t understand what they did” or “I have this stuff that should make it okay to NOT give my best” nor is there any self condemnation as in “I should be better” or “I suck “ either.

  • Where can I give it my best- actively?
  • Where have I been on default or auto-pilot?

Looking at these 4 practices – applied practically – will give you the little Extra you need to infuse new life into your relationship.